Donna So what did London make of Artex Monkey?

Artex Well a asked ter bi first on t'line-up to play cos ar know usually tha gets abart twenty-odd minutes darn theear. So by being on t'first an starting early a could do mi setlist an do as many songs as a could. A worn't expecting it ter bi reight full early dooers. But a were wrong cos it were packed art when a gorron stage. They were a few people from rarnd Barnsley and Yorkshire who turned up. An plenty er people from darn London. It went as good as tha could hope for. T'crowd were reight up for it all t'way through. A played all mi favourites liked 'Pushbike' and 'Morngy Get' an a threw mi new song 'Leave Before The Last Bus Has Gone' which went darn reight well. An a finished on 'An Uncertain Romance’ as usual. Av gorrit rekewerded gig so a'll try en gerrit on mi website.

Donna Can you explain Artex Monkey? How did the idea come about?

Artex A used ter av a shoebox an a stretched rubber bands ovver it. a pretended it wer a guitar. Mi mam used ter buy mi shoes off a stall on barnsley market. They were black an med art er sum sewert er plastic. They used t'tek piss art er em in mi class at school. They used ter last me abart a month afoor soles fell off em. Then a relative gid mi a second-hand acoustic guitar an a nivver looked back.

Artex Av allus sung songs abart wheear a grew up. Songs abart Royston, Carlton, Athersley and rarnd Barnsley. A once put a show together singing songs based on t'stories art er Barnsley Chronicle. Songs abart shoplifters, murderers, crime and grime an like when a double-decker bus kem darn monckton hill and sliced its top deck off. A did a gig singing em a few years back, but what wer left er audience at end din't really know wheear a wer coming from. Apart from one lad who'd bin smokin a funny cigarette, he wer off his face all t'way through it.

Artex A come up wi t'idea er Artex Monkey t'try an bring mooer attention t'what am tranna do wi mi music. Which is ter bring the arts and crafts of Barnsley ter mooer prominance. Build a stadium in royston for bands. Nivver gunna happen, but wiv still gorra bandstand t'fall back on. a reckon if a can get summat gooin then mebbi sum bands from rarnd here will have mooer of a chance er doin summat. Do sum gigs darn London. Cos nobdy darn theear knows or even cares what's gooin off in Barnsley. That's why am gunna do some London gigs. See if a can start a fire. a think there's a little arsonist in all of us. An if wi can all get together then wi can start a big fire carn't wi? tha carn't beat a real good fire can tha?

Donna Before Artex Monkey, what other sort of songs were you writing?

Artex Songs abart wildlife... mostly robins an that, but a discovered a new poetic power when a wrote Morngy Get. Words just kem art like a tap. A an't bin able to turn it off, a carn't gerra plumber. An a still write the odd song abart butterflys an breezes through trees up in Royston's quarry. A love nature, especially the smell of grass on a summer neet. And t'crackle of a burning field of freshly harvested straw... watchin from afar as t'smoke starts rising up and t'birdsong is drarnded art bi fire-engine sirens.

Donna Do you reckon Barnsley doesn't take anything seriously?

Artex They tek price er beer reight seriously. That's a abart it. Nobdy artside er Barnsley teks us seriously anyruad. Wi dun't av no front in Barnsley. What tha sees wi us is what tha gets in't it? Mebbi if wi did tek us sens a bit mooer serious then art er tarners mighnt start tekkin mooer notice.

Donna Where about in Royston would you recommend Barnsley Council to erect a stadium?

Artex A wer only thinkin abart this t'other day. Wi could av it on t'bottom er Royston Green facing upwards. An then crowd could watch from up on t'hill. All t'tall people cud stand lower darn an not so tall people further up, so evrybody'd get a good view. It'd bi just like a Roman amphitheatre wun't it. An a could pop into mi Mam's when a were caught short. If planning permission din't come through then a reckon wi shud reclaim Monckton Hill and av it rarnd theear. Shut darn t'coke ovens. That'd benefit us all cos it'd bi mooer environmentally friendly. Wi wun't get all them theear chemicals rainin ovver us then.

Donna What about the Pit Field at Athersley, don't you think that would be better for a stadium? Could always pop into The Welly for a piss!

Artex Ar that's probly a gooer. Cos festival gooers cud walk up t'top er Carlton muckstack. It'd bi just like Glastonbury Tor. A reckon we're on some lay lines rarnd ere. There's definately summat in t'air. Then again that mighnt bi from coke ovens.

Donna Do you think Netto is value for money?

Artex Well a got mi guitar from theear din't a. A were abart fourth in t'queue on t'mornin that they put em on sale up at Athersley Netto. A got mi guitar wi strings on, a practise amp, a guitar bag and three plectrums for under fifty quid, tha carn't grumble at that can tha? There were a few people from Royston buyin em, an we all went back on t'Ryhill bus ter Royston, plus a woman who'd tekken a microwave back an gorrit replaced. She'd bought some orange juice from theear which she said tasted just like watter. A bought missen a campin leet that runs on batteries. But a en't gorra tent yit. So a can only test it art in mi wardrobe, but it's still working. Mebbi a shud use it on stage next time so a can see what am doin.

Donna £50 for the full bollocks, you can’t grumble at that! Did you get your keyboard from there too?

Artex A got mi Casio keybooard from t'Oxfam shop in Wakey abart 10 years a gu. Tha can tell that in that time av become accomplished. It's a bit heavy, but tha just carn't get same sound art er new organs like tha can wi t'old uns. A still get plenty er pleasure art er playin wi mi old organ on dark an lonely neets. A mek sure mi curtains are closed though nar, especially after what happened last time when jehovah's witnesses kem rarnd... well at least they win't bi knockin on mi dooer agearn.

Donna Your opinion on the Barnsley Halo wall thingy - Do you think it would be to stop people coming in or stop Barnsley people getting out?

Artex They dun't really need a wall rarnd Barnsley cos nobdy ever leaves. Anyway why would yer want to? An nobdy's that keen ter gerrin. But that Alsop bloke's a genius. Av met him twice nar, he knows he's not poplar rarnd ar way, but he's an hero er mine. A'll not bi happy till thers an alo ovver Barnsley.

Donna You seem to be quite the celebrity in Barnsley Chronicle, you ever thought about applying for McMillian's columm? Better still would you write a columm in Barnsley Soundbites Fanzine?

Artex He's gone all a bit Guardian an't he? Mixing wi that lot at Radio 4 and on telly. Thy has ter start speakin reight on telly else nobdy'd know what tha were on abart. If tha see's him rarnd tarn then he still blends in well wi t'rest. A reckon he must buy them shirts he insists on wearing from t'second-hand stalls on Barnsley market. Somdy shud av a quiet word wi im. Folks ar gunna think wi an't got no style rarnd ere. Mebbi a shud gi him a few of mi own fashion tips.

Artex Barnsley Soundbites zine? A rekon a cud do sumat. A can see it gooin somewhere that. Bart time someone took odda t'bull by horns rarnd ere. A'll gi thi zine a big push on mi website, carn't fail then can it? An mebbi TV producers'll pick on mi talents an a'll get a spot on Calendar... inbetween t'local news round-up an t'weather. A cud become another Jake Thackray, an then vanish into obscurity agen.